Getting ready to leave

I’m leaving in 15 days, 15!!! And I am not close to having solved all my problems…so many outstanding issues. But I woke up this morning and knew that everything would be all right by the grace of God.

This is it. I’m turning a page in my life and it’s crucial that it is for the better, personally, spiritually, professionally and financially.

I’ve started packing and I thought I didn’t have that many things but I was wrong. I know I’ll pay excess luggage anyway but I need to keep it to a minimum and be realistic about the amount of junk [mainly clothes and books] I really need. Yes, it’s all about needs right now not wants. I’m so ready to settle somwhere for a long period of time. I can’t stand this packing thing, I really can’t. I need stability.

I had already agreed to sell major items in my place to a lady at work. My car was supposed to be bought by someone who yesterday told me he is no longer interested. I am very unlucky with people and I always end up being taken advantage of and it sucks big time. The number of times people have only looked out for their own interests when dealing with me despite our relationship/friendship is quite disturbing.  I now have 10 days to sell my car at a decent price and clear my account. I went to a car dealership today and they are offering me such a ridiculous price that instead of giving up I’m negotiating. It’s time to bring out that aspect of my personality, gentle but firm and assertive as they say b/c things need to go my way. I swear if this woman from work says she’s not taking my stuff at the last minute [and I'm basically giving them to her] I’m going to give up on people.

I went to enquire as to closing my bank account and they gave me these long stories. I know how things and people operate here so the earlier I do that, the better. Now, I need to convince work to pay me the 10 days of December I will have worked but watch them say no…and watch me resign when they say no b/c I’m tired of them giving me crap every single time they owe me something. I went to cancel my Internet services on Sunday and they want to more or less fine me for that, lol. I could be dishonest and leave the country and they will never get their December and January payments but I’m accountable to God so I’ll give them their money.

I had interviewed with this firm and made it all the way to the last level. That was 3 weeks ago on my birthday. ‘Til today these people haven’t gotten back to me. The interview didn’t go as well as the previous 2 b/c of the dude’s attitude [he rushed me, was unprepared and was a bit rude] and my own exasperation and fatigue after all the cancelling. It makes me think, do I want to work for people who treat me like that already? Maybe not but maybe. They owe me a reply, even if it’s a rejection. I was going to be the nice me and let it go but I demanded one just now. And when they reject me, I’ll thank them and tell the to rething their recruitment strategy, lol, maybe not.

Speaking of recruitment, I can’t understand how I can’t land a job. I was just looking at my CV and thought, what am I doing wrong? I can barely get an interview with the many organisations I’ve applied to and when I do, shady things happen…maybe I’m not meant to work? Lol, yeah right. But the number of times one can get rejected is starting to be beyond embarassing and frustrating.

I just came back from my friend’s workplace and she was on fire. Of course it’s about her husband again but this time I’m glad her hurt and tears have given way to a fierce determination. She needs to be careful and respectful and fulfill her rights as a wife but he needs to step up to the plate and fulfill his own rights. I told her not to give up her rights, they are hers and if he’s married her then he owes her that much. This other guy was looking at us talk like we were mad and was probably thinking that’s why this one [me] is not married. But I just realise that our men [Blacks and Muslims for that matter] are full of it. They treat women like their concubines/slaves and can’t even show decency and respect. It’s disgusting, really. Some of the stories here are not even heartbreaking, they are pitiful. My friend had put everything on line for this man, for love, but now she sees that one doesn’t eat love and misery is much more powerful. She is ready to give him a sort of ultimatum, I pray that she gets her way and that her relationship with him gets better.

My last unresolved issue is very delicate. I need someone to get out of my life once and for all. The person’s time is up and I think I’ve been accomodating enough. The good thing is that the person is not physically near to me so it will be easier. The one thing I don’t want is lame explanations as for the person’s behavior, useless apologies and all the right words but a stank attitude, I’ve heard enough of that. So timing is key. As much as I’d like to simply be like get lost and forget me, I’ve prepared a very nice and polite message explaning that I understand the person’s circumstances but I no longer want to endure thta type of behavior and would appreciate if we left things like that. This message can only be sent the eve of my departure so that the person can no longer call me since my number will no longer exist and I’ll just ignore the emails, which I won’t have access to for at least 2 weeks after I leave since I’ll be in another country for a wedding. Since the person has never bothered getting to know my family/friends, address, etc, the person cannot get in touch with me after that. I have a feeling that the person won’t try that hard anyways since that’s how the person is, so it’s time to let go. And when I’m done, I’m done. It’s unfortunate that one has to go through so much trouble but you give chances to people and they blow it. 5 years and nothing came out of them. If only men could understand that being nice to a woman would guarantee them anything in this world…but some don’t get it. An too bad for them.

Anyways, my last point is on female solidarity. I went for the fitting of the dress I’m wearing at my friend’s wedding yesterday. It’s a stunning dress long and burgandy] but I need accessories for it that I can’t find anywhere. While I was standing there, 2 women came in and they were speaking their language. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I had my veil on or what but they were speaking in not very nice tones and laughing in a less nicer way, looking in my direction. I let it go b/c who cares that some people are just spiteful like that. My friend was telling me some of the advice some woman was giving her regarding her marital problems: basically accept everything, shut up and let him be a man [i.e. womanise, hit you and provide for you only when he wants to]. It’s so sad that one cannot walk in other people’s shoes and sympathise.

The End.

Marriage

For the first time in my life I truly, really want to get married. I’m ready. I’m scared but I’m ready. I also pray for it, something I had never done before a few months ago. So I’m really serious about it. It’s not that I never thought about it before, it’s just that…I don’t know, I wasn’t ready, I didn’t understand the benefits of being married, I maybe didn’t value it.

For the past 2 years, I’ve met men and have received attention from some I’ve known for a while and some I’ve just met. It made me think about what it is I am looking for and focus on finding that. It is not the best approach. Although I had realistic [in my opinion, lol] criteria, I failed to find them in the dudes I was meeting. I had an opened approach and didn’t outright reject anyone but got to meet them and after one or two meetings knew that they didn’t ‘cut’ it. I then focused on myself. I realised that it was fine to expect certain things from a potential mate but I needed to work on myself as well. For I can only attract those who see values they are searching in a woman and I can only be attracted by someone who is on the same path as I. So there has been a concurrent exercise going on and prayers.

I had my hopes high recently but I’m affraid things are not working out and I’m about to end the ‘relationship’. This was/is a bit of a blow for me b/c I thought if things can’t go right with him, then something is wrong, maybe with me. But nothing is wrong, some things are meant to be and others are not.  I cna’t force things and I can’t ignore red signals that will make me miserable later on. But it makes me think, am I asking for much? Are my expectations high? One thing I learned during this whole process is that I should let people be and just be observant. With time, I’ll see or not see key values I want but letting them be made me realise much about myself and relatiosnhips. Some things are not even worth arguing about or holding on to. But others are. A great, great man summed up things for me: you have to look for someone who can make you a better person and who you can help achieve his potential. That’s what you’re looking for. And when using this yeardstick, I realise that I’m not asking for much and I haven’t felt it yet.

Everyone around me is talking about when I’m getting married and I feel sorry for them, lol. I’m fine as I am, I don’t obsess about it and try to live my life while keeping my eyes opened [but as a guy recently said to me 'I'm tired of keeping my eyes wide opened']. But what I want is stability and I’m not saying only a man can give me that but I’m saying that a relationship adds value to one’s life [if it's a good and strong one]. I’m getting tired of doing everything for myself, of not sharing important milestones with someone, of receiving unsolicitated attention from random jerks, of not being pampered and cared for, of not feeling loved in that type of way. But patience is key.

I met a guy a few days ago and met up with him on saturday. Everything went wrong from the beginning and I was not very amused. When we finally sat, drinking our milkshakes and getting to know one another, I was impressed. Here was a man who knew what he wanted, shared his vision of life with me and asked me the questions no other guy had ever asked me before. They were about spirituality, about my goals in life, about what makes me happy, etc. He is very caring and polite, I’d even add well mannered. So what killed it? He insulted me. He was talking about his life [a pretty rough one] and then  made a comment about how he has nothing to learn from people like me who are rich and who haven’t experienced any hardships in life. Then he smiled. It pissed me off. I don’t even know why I didn’t leave. I gave him a peace of my mind and told him that I shouldn’t apologise for my background, as someone who believes in God and God’s plan, I can’t spit on what God has given me and apologise for it. I don’t even know what led him to saying I was rich maybe b/c I drive a car and have a job. In any case I told him I’d hold this against him and was disgusted for the whole time, still am. Am I unforgiving? I can be and maybe should let it go but I won’t. This really turned me off. He also asked for something that I found inappropriate and insecure and I knew it wouldn’t go further than that meeting.

This guy proceeded to tell me he was joking, what a joke! What annoyed me is that depsite agrreing to meet, he came late [although he called to say he'd be a bit late], asked a friend to meet him where we were, asked to leave to take care of business and when I suggested to drop them [in my car] he agreed [I wonder if scorning the so-called rich is only after having used them]. Then he made me wait some half an hour before sitting down and talking….only to look down upon me b/c I haven’t had it rough. I told him that I wouldn’t even entertain that notion of recounting my hardships [who does that?] and then I felt like crying. I wanted to cry b/c I shouldn’t apologize for who I am but also b/c of the pain I hide so well of having lost my mother. I don’t blame God or anything but anyone who has lost a mother knows that nothing can hurt more than that, nothing.

Anyways, he tried to make up for his mishap and talked about forgiveness and letting go. That reverse psychology of being a believer and beinf forgiving annoyed me more. He was wrong and instead of simply apologising, he tries to lecture me on forgiveness. He then apologised profusely. And then he did something no one has ever done to me. Lol, ok it’s bizarre. He told me about what went through his head when he approached me and what he was thinking the whole time: he had found his wife. God had showed him his wife. He went on about how I have everything he was looking for in a woman, even if he didn’t know me well, he just felt something that he couldn’t expalin, so on and so forth. I sat there and I thought, this is the one time in my life I have access to a guy’s mind, that a dude just gave it to me plain and simple.

And it made me realise that we’re all suckers for ‘love’. All we want is for someone to show appreciation and to love us…but there is more to. So the search continues, with a different approach and mindset.

Eid

Eid mubarak – taqabl minna wa minkum. I wish you all a very blessed one. This is by far one of my favorite days of the year, if not my favorite one. despite not being with family – again- I’ll still try to honor some of our traditions.

This eid is not a very big deal in SA compared to the smaller eid, after Ramadan. People are more laid back and less enthusiastic about it. It’s the complete opposite in W. Africa where this is THE eid. From the prayer in the morning to the men handling the slaughtering to the women cooking the meat and yummy food to receiving guests to distributing the meat to the poor, family and friends to simply being joyous in new clothes and in the presence of loved ones. Here it was a bit different but alhamdulilah.

Prayer was great, my favorite Imam did the sermon and led us in prayer. I cried…the emotion, just everything, standing before God, the beautiful recitation, the sermon. After that, I headed to the farm, got my lamb slaughtered. Went for jumah where I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, fun times catching up. I then drove to my aunt’s house, chilled watching the hajj in Mecca, ate and dozed off a bit. Then I went to see another friend and I went home to sleep. I felt lonely and truly missed my family. I’m a a point where I realise that I need my family around and I need to be married. I truly do and I pray that both happen soon.

This year, I did two things I hadn’t done last year: I visited and gave out meat to friends and those in need and I cooked couscous and lamb meat for my office.
Feeding people is essential in Islam and I think it’s a basic right. My late mother was such a generous person. I remember growing up, she would arrange porridge and/or rice to be cooked every thurday, she would gather the oprhans in the streets and bring them home to eat. I need to follow that example. I gave meat to a Muslim friend on mine in need and to a Christian friend. I have to say that my Christain friend has really changed her opinion on Muslims since we’ve interacted and I’m happy about that.
I hope the food I cooked this morning turned out nice for the office, it’s nice to share and eat together and for them to understand the spirit of Eid.

Something has been on my mind lately: the notion of sacrifice. With Eid and previous events, I started thinking about the sacrifices [or lack of] I make in my life for God, solely for the All Mighty. It’s embarassing to say that I can’t think of any recently. And it makes me wonder what then does it mean for me to say that I am a believer? Faith is not only profession and feelings, it’s also actions.

Tradeoffs

1. Is HIV more important to treat than diareha/pneumonia? If one looks at the trends in health expenditures, there is a clear pattern that HIV/AIDS, malaria and TB [to a certain extent] get prevalence over other ‘minor’ diseases. Yet these minor diseases affect children. How about, road accidents are the 2nd cause of detah in Africa after HIV/AIDS, what is done about that? I find it heartbreaking to be toying with lifes that can be saved.

2. Does making friends and influencing people mean changing one’s personality to please others?

3. Do men who really want a woman truly pursue her? Can men’s actions that can be interpreted as them not being into a woman mean otherwise?

4. Are other people’s criticism supposed to make you re-evaluate yourself or make you believe that to each his/her own?

5. Is the need to spend time alone, shuting people off, a sign of demence in African culture? Should we always be merry and happy?

6. Is doing something for someone out of being manipulated rewarded the same as doing it purely for the sake of God?

7. Is being fed up with listening to other people’s problems and lousy husbands a sign of being unkind?

Professional life

Looking back at the start of my professional life, I realize many, many things. I think I’m no longer raw and naïve about the realities of the professional world, development, being a young Black woman, and even being Muslim to a certain extent.

 I think I’ve suppressed my personality, my ideas and my ambitions for the past two years because I didn’t quite know where I fit in. I lacked the confidence to be assertive and to grow into a better person, so I just retrieved into my shell. But for what it is worth that allowed me to observe and to take copious notes on behavior and performance.

I want to blame it on being a woman, but can I? Maybe, maybe not. I might also add age to it. And while I’m at it, I’ll include race. I don’t want to generalize but that is what I get from my experience here in South Africa, the parameters are certainly different elsewhere.

In any case, I take these two years as training and personal development. I no longer want to see this experience as what I don’t want out of life but as what I want and will endeavor to achieve, insh’Allah.

 In short, I’ve learned:

1. Be good at what you do, always try to learn more and to do better. But also get regular feedback on how you are doing. Learn what you are good at and become proficient. And learn what you are not so good at and try, if it’s worth it, to improve in these areas. But you need to be able to sell yourself on that.
2. If you want something, ask for it. No one is here to check after you.
3. Criticism has to be constructive. It should never be personal and learn to move on; in some cases to forgive.
4. Always try to do better than what you did before. Whether it’s a project or a new job, you should aim for more responsibilities, more skills acquisition and more pay.
5. Do not settle for less. If something is not up to par with what you want, let it go, something better will come along. It’s all about patience. Similarly, if something goes against your principles, let it go.
6. Make contacts. The whole networking thing is daunting and sometimes a bit grotesque but it has to be done. Knowing what others do can always open doors to you and in rare cases, genuine relationships come out of that.
7. Have a long term perspective of things. It is very unstable and adds less value to hop from one area to another. Know yourself, have a life plan and ideals and aim to achieve these.
8. Find a good balance of work and life. Work is not the end all be all. There is so much more to explore in this world.
9. Be healthy. It impacts your mood, looks and performance.

10.  Be mindful of your dress code. Appear clean, simple and professional and be consistent.

Things I’m currently digging

1. My hair – natural hair rocks. It’s got so long and bouncy.

2. Putumayo women of the world acoustic.

3. Buttered peanut crunch – although it might be giving me pimples.

4. Shweshwe – Xhosa fabric. I found a lady who will make the dress I designed. I’m thinking of wearing it for my friend’s upcoming wedding in Dakar.

5. My good friends – these girls are my girls.

6. Great conversation with mind blowing dudes – my East African men rock.

7. Mozambican men – officially crowned the finest men in Africa, after what I saw yesterday…matter of fact let me add Portuguese/Creole language to that.

8. Books, books and more books – knowledge is bliss.

9. Writing – another story is coming along. I need to do that more seriously.

10. Going back to W. Africa – bought my ticket to Togo. I’m travelling via Addis cuz I’ve never been and I’ll be spending the night there.

11. Figuring out what to do next in my life. So many ideas and issues.

 

Happiness

Karen Salmansohn

This is the secret to happiness—in 3 words:

1. rationalize
2. rationalize
3. rationalize

You find it’s helpful to lie to yourself about your past pain…and all the rotten things that have happened to you. And it’s only fair—since everyone else is lying to you too anyway. Just kidding. Sort of. Well, achem, remember this is a cynic’s guide to spiritual happiness.

You decide to see…equals.
Your enemies = your teachers.
Your failure = your wisdom.
Your mistakes = your lucky discoveries.
Your conflicts = your growth opportunities.
Your undesired endings = your desirable beginnings.
Your grapes of wrath = your raisons d’etre.
Your painful feelings = your proud proof that you are dealing with your feelings—head on!

And there’s a freebee bonus benefit to doing the above…You begin to be less judgmental about your: rage, fear, pain, conflicts, and disappointments…not only for what has happened in the past but also when it comes to your present and future.

Principles

I am leaving SA because my contract and work permit are coming to an end. I have not yet found another job but I’m working on it. As of now, my next destination is my father’s house in Togo. I guess I’ll take it from there.

The whole process of applying for jobs as I mentioned before is annoying. It’s annoying because you realise that you are not at an advantage despite having gone to good schools, having worked for a bit, and having vast knowledge and a passion/concern about Africa. I’m not asking for preferential treatment, all I’m saying is that you would think that we had more chances of coming back to Africa and working in development, but that’s not really the case….even if one was to re-invent him/herself as a consultant, the wazungus [Whites in Swahili] have priority.

I’ll give specific examples: here in SA, my employers could very well retain me and create a position for me. They have not bothered. Getting them to support me for the extension of the work permit was already too much to ask for. Yet my non Black colleague, who has worked as long as I, was fortunate that her team valued continuity, created a post which she interviewed for and is very likely to obtain it. Another case: some Ugandans I met who work in their government wanted me to come and work at their Ministry. They value the whole pan Africanism thing and want to use African ‘talent’. Yet it’s impossible for them to motivate for it whereas the government keeps so many foreign consultants on payroll. All I’m saying is that even home, well in Africa, one needs to really really lobby hard.

It’s easy to guess that I don’t have strong roots in one country. I’ve learned to accept that. I’m less romantic about seeing myself as an African, but this is who I am and what I identify with. I can sit down and talk about most countries quite comfortably. I’ve visited and worked in a few places. I wouldn’t say that they all felt like home but I like that. Though I have a nationality, a language, a culture, which I am fine with, I embrace everything else I can. Some people don’t get it but what do I care. So I’ve been applying all over Africa [with a focus in West Africa b/c I realise that that is where I identify the most so let me go and work and live there]. Only thing is I have too many conditions or should I say principles.

Yes, I’m one of those. My profession is not only a salary and functions, it is also a passion and a need to see concrete reuslts. My first point is the desire to work more at a country level rather than in offices coordinating projects, doing reserach and writing policies. So I’ve applied to a few such positions. Second, I refuse to work for multilateral institutions. I simply refuse, to my family’s dismay. I don’t need that status. I know how they operate and I don’t wnat the headache of dealing with politics, race and other useless things. So not only do I refuse to work for multilaterals [although all my studies and exprience naturally point to that direction], I am also weary of Western instituions/organisations. Why is that so? Because I am a Pan African, I want to work for an organisation that is African led, owned, managed, focused, you name it….this is when reality kicks in…such institutions do not really exist.

Wowzers! Imagine my predicament. So now it’s about choosing the lesser ‘evil’. It’s not racist or bashing the West, it’s more about wanting to be autonomous and to be around like minded, driven people. So I’ve battled with my conscience for some time and have applied to a few Western organistaions/institutions focusing on relevance and impact. I need to get over that. I see so many jobs I qualify for, or I think I do, and before applying I invetsigate so much on the ‘politics’ behind the organisation. Like right now, I received an email about a job opportunity in Liberia. It’s a bit of a stretch but my aunt will move there next year to work so I could always join her and stuff. BUT it is a position paid by the fondation of a former president who supported/financed/started the war on Iraq [easy to guess who it is]. For me, being against that war and the way it’s been propaganded and fabricated, it’s a moral decision. Does it mean I’m supporting him? I know I think things through too much but I never want to be in a position where my hands have been dirtied. I’m very cautious about how I earn my money and how I spend it. For example I don’t have debts [thank God] and don’t believe in the whole lending system [for myself]. I can do without and believe I should live within my means. So these type of things. It drives some people crazy but I sleep at night and my conscience is clear.

I know I could always establish an organistaion myself, but I need more funds and skills and experience and contacts to do that. So that might take 3-5 more years. But I’d like to start something with my own funds, only funded by Africans, with an African board, African staff and Africa focus. You have businesses like that but how many non profits/fondations/think thanks/research bodies and such do you have like that? Very very few, if any.

I’m starting to think outside the box and to be creative in fulfilling my ‘ideal world’. It’s not unrealistic and unfeasible. It just needs dedication and sacrifice. A firend of mine, a Nigerian living in America but moving back to Nigeria, called me last night to discuss a project. It was very interesting, relevant and it is needed. Although it’s still only at a brainstorming stage, it can easily be fleshed out. It is a form of pan African idea with American backing but it’s a start. While we were talking he asked me what it is I wanted to do in the long terms. Don’t you hate that question? But honestly for once, I could say something precise and concise. It is more like a mission statement and I’m not sure how it will turn out but I’m glad I’ve figured it out. My friend mentioned making himself available for free to his government on a part time basis to assist in any way he can. It’s noble but I don’t see anyone rushing to take up the offer. As Africans, we’re suspiscious and un-collaborative like that. Sad.

Thank God it’s Friday

1. Work has been so slow and boring…all these readings, no real guidance/feedback. I’m getting restless. Actually I’m ready to leave and move on to hopefully better things. My replacement is coming next week, I’m exited to show her around and groom her into the position. Funny enough, I enjoy that.

2. I had a super cool discussion with this guy at work yesterday. We always talk philosophy, morals, politics, pan Africanism, etc. We were sharing our views on racism, manhood, livelihood and identity particularly in South Africa. I gave him a hard time but most of it were hard reality checks. Towards the end of the conversation he mentioned something about South African women not being able to have such conversations and think at that level. I corrected him and said that it was rare to be able to speak openly and knowingly with people in general. Other than my dad really, maybe my older bother, I have yet to meet a man with who I could debate like this…oh maybe the Ugandan guys…but that was a one time thing.

3. Job applications…recuiters, why are you so difficult? Why can’t you just read my cover letter and grant me a job without even interviewing me? Can’t you see the potential? Lol, just joking…but it’s not a fun process. I’m so looking forward to retiring. This application process is very special to me b/c I’d like to settle in a country for while, if not for good, and having a good job always helps in that. Now with all that talk of getting married, everything is upside down again…stability, please come to me!

4. It’s this time of the year when I’m revamping my wardrobe. Well, not entirely but I need new work clothes and a few other items. I’m not a big shopper, I don’t do compulsive shopping but once or twice a year I go get everything I need. I’ve already been for an inspection visit, I now need to go and grab what I want. I’m also starting to pack…I’m leaving soon.

5. I like some English words, they sound nice…like facetious or vociferous. I’ve heard these two words yesterday and today and I like them.

6. Calligraphy and painting are my new hobbies. I need to get the material and start because it’s nearing an obsession.

7. I used to be a very athletic person, played sports like crazy while growing up. Although I’m fortunate to weigh the same or even a bit less than 10 years ago, I’m out of shape and I need adrenaline rush. My colleague has been talking baout how enjoyable running is, etc. I don’t run, I can’t, I don’t understand the concept. But for me to dream about running, I think I should give it a try.

8. I’m planning my December trip to my friend’s wedding. It’s going to be so coool. Man, I’m happy for my sister and her soon to be husband. I also have to make plans with my dad and brother for a family reunion. We just have to pick a location.

9. So as I’m preparing to leave, I’m making a list of places I must visit. I don’t know why I leave things to the very last minute. There are so many costs involved, why do we have to spend money? In any case, much of it will be inside the country visiting various states and exploring the terrains. Nature, I need to connect with you. Garden Route, Kruger National Park and others, here I come…maybe?

What are we debating for?

Aid has always been a point of contention and scaling up aid or eliminating it completely is not in the agenda. Whether one believes that it is a “right” for poorer countries in lieu of retribution from past injustices and oppression, namely slavery and colonization, or the only way to address the financing gap faced by many poor countries or simply a financing mechanism among many others, aid is here to stay. Aid is a business; it is an industry that at best creates jobs and enhances service delivery and at worse, acts as political leverage and rewards vested interests, enriches some people at the detriment of others and grants power to minions. While there are attempts to make aid more effective such that a partnership led by recipient countries based on mutual accountability is created, very little change of behavior has occurred and it’s business as usual. And it will be business as usual for some time.

So, you’ve guessed right, I am skeptical of aid because I find it redundant, ineffective for the most part and very perverse. I find a system where money is used to influence, where money is at the center stage of relationships between two parties and where money changes hands faster than you can say m, very problematic. I would then want a world in which aid does not exist. But is that realistic? No. Why? Because aid is needed, whether we like it or not. The downward spiral countries whose budgets rely on 50 percent or more on aid would get into would be traumatic. Social and economic infrastructures are too meek to be relied on as a substitute and opportunities too little to make a difference.

I then move to my second best option: a world in which recipient countries make the difficult choice of saying no to certain type of assistance, devise who to work with, how and for what purpose, and create local and regional funding mechanisms. Being poor and needy doesn’t mean accepting anything and everything for the sake of survival. It is astonishing to see the list of things countries undertake, reform, do for the sake of extra funds. Whether they believe in, understand and internalize these things is another matter all together, but who cares because survival is at stake, right? But survival is a temporary state, one needs to then be able to live and subsequently prosper. But who is there coming up with our own initiatives and solutions?

There is no need bashing people behind close doors when as soon as they appear with something, it goes and when these people are more trusted than your fellow country/continental brothers and sisters to assist you. Finally, a mentality of entitlement has never taken anyone anywhere. As soon as you realize that no one owes you anything in this life, whether you’ve been wronged or not, then you can live a more independent, free and purposeful life.

So where does that leave us? To promoting good governance? What does that really mean? Of course, we all believe that monies should be spent efficiently, leaders should be legitimate and accountable but is it something one teaches and promotes or is it inherent within human beings? Why should one have to tell a grown up man [it’s always the men] that stealing is bad? My take is that as long as most countries don’t have leaders who truly want the welfare of their people, who are bothered to see that there are no roads in most parts of their countries, who cringe at the conditions of schools and hospitals and who actually do something about these things, then we won’t go anywhere. We’ve heard the rhetoric, we were lavished with promises but what is happening? What do they have to show for?

Everyone needs to do his/her share. It’s not only voting and paying taxes, it’s also demanding results from authorities, contributing economically and socially at the community level. We see people building their own houses, serving as welfare and pension systems to their relatives, and that’s great. But, if we can, we need to move beyond our own families, clan and people and build the foundation for better societies.

 Many of us have the opportunity and will power to do so. What are we waiting for? We might not be celebrated heroes, controversial figures, Western-sweethearts-dubbed-African-intellectuals but we can do it, one step at the time. And if you’re looking for the limelight, re-evaluate your priorities. There has always been a generation of our people working towards these objectives, outside of the limelight. They didn’t wait for the state to rescue them, they were never rewarded but they contributed somehow. Let’s reclaim our dignity, leave aside political and tribal agendas, and work together to achieve good.

 So what will be your contribution?